On signs and food logging
To start, I wanted to share something amazing that just happened. David just got home for a long bike ride and I had been crying my eyes out as I pen this next post, which will be a tough read. He saw a beautiful Monarch butterfly that kept fluttering around our pink Phlox in our front garden. The butterfly hovered (the fluttering wings very reminiscent of how Lucy would wag her tail) for awhile so we said “Hi Lucy, we love you. We’ll be in the backyard in the shade if you want to come see us.” Then I headed to the backyard where I was hanging laundry thinking to myself how I’m not the most observant person and so if Lucy is trying to send me signs, I’ve likely missed them all unless David is paying attention. I thought, the sign must literally be in my face if I’m going to see anything.
The same Monarch then flew right in front of me and then around the yard as I excitedly told David that Lucy came back. She came back to see us. <3
Okay…back to the scheduled programming.
We’ve all learned about the stages of grief. I’m currently in the bargaining phase (looking for relief from the pain) and guilt (did we pull the plug too soon)? The latter is the reason I’m writing this post. It’s a reminder that we did all that we could. Lucy probably wouldn’t have made it another month, or weeks even.
Appetite loss.
Lucy always had a good appetite. Last fall, though, she had the infamous hunger strike where she suddenly wouldn’t eat anything besides carrots and treats. We had a friend whose dog had died and he had mentioned that appetite loss was one of the signs as his dog was approaching death. To this day I still remember the sheer desperation as we tried wet dog food, dry dog food, boiled chicken, pumpkin, carrots, any combination that wouldn’t upset her stomach. In Lucy’s later years it was imperative that she be on a restricted diet, eating a prescription Kidney Care dog food which she just hated. We had two very dear friends getting married (shout out to Tristan and Brittany) and were planning to head to Buena Vista to celebrate but Lucy was a bit of a hot mess. Two of our other dear friends, Pat and Hughette, ended up watching Lucy for us. We brought all the tricks and options to try to get Lucy to eat and she just wasn’t interested. Until while we were gone, Hughette tried some bland fried rice and Lucy gobbled it up.
Hughette is a hero.
We found something! And from then on we started giving Lucy fried rice, a modified version using a recipe that we worked with our vet on so that it would not disturb her kidney values. It was a delicate balance with what you could feed Lucy who had a heart condition, kidney and liver decline, a hypo-thyroid, and anti-seizure medication. Lucy loved the fried rice so much and it gave me such a wonderful sense of purpose, making batches of fried rice, alternating between grass-fed beef and salmon, imagining the food being nourishing enough to make her feel good.
The period of mid-September 2023 through mid-May 2024 was Lucy’s resurgence. A time of renaissance. She just did so well and we credit Hughette and her fried rice hack. We’d feed her one serving of fried rice per day for dinner, which encouraged Lucy to try to eat her kidney dog food during the day. This worked so well that after a vet check up, the vet reported that Lucy’s kidney values had actually improved by quite a bit. Also, her heart murmur had improved from b2 to b1. Lucy was going to live forever!
Here is a video of Lucy on a walk running home for her fried rice on Oct. 24, 2023.
When the magic fried rice no longer works.
And perhaps, this was Lucy telling us that her time was near. It was a similar pattern of picky eating like last fall. But this time, she was turning her nose at some of the usual suspects that would work—treats, carrots, the magical fried rice.
I felt the same desperation well up deep in my chest. It was no longer a priority to get her to eat a kidney- and heart-friendly diet, it was all about making sure she had calories. Over the course of the early summer we tried The Farmer’s Dog, other fresh pet food brands, wet food with chunks of meat and gravy, green beef tripe, mixing dry dog food with peanut butter, scrambled eggs, various cooked proteins, and nothing would stick. It was also messing up her GI.
An additional hurdle during this time was that Lucy also no longer liked pill pockets but she also needed to take several medications. So along with the rotating trial-and-error process of trying to find food she would eat, we were also trying to find pill pocket alternatives but Lucy was so smart and always spit out the pills so David had to force-feed her pills four times a day. This was deeply traumatic for him.
Food logging.
From end of May through Lucy’s last night on earth, June 17th, David and I diligently logged her food in a note pad. Then David would transfer the data into a spread sheet so that he could calculate the K cals consumed that day. This was a tender time. You never know how you and your partner will handle grief and trauma together. We innately understood the assignment—try to get calories in, log it, make notes on what worked, try again the next day. Every day was different.
Tummy Sticks.
There was one treat that Lucy would eat: her dental chews that we called Tummy Sticks. It was often my favorite time of day with Lucy where around 10:30 a.m. I would give her a Tummy Stick, holding the treat for her as she would nibble and gnaw at it. I was grateful it actually had a decent amount of calories, 75 K cals which was about 10% of caloric goal. Looking back, I wonder if Lucy had long decided she no longer had appetite for these treats but maybe she enjoyed this daily chore that we did together.
Upon further reflection.
My mom said it best during one of my food updates to her that she’ll never get annoyed again with Lucy when she wants to eat earlier. And same for me, I’ll always treasure a dog who wants to eat.
Mom, thank you so much for your support and care. It was so helpful to have you come and stay and just listen to me sound-off on what to do for Lucy. She always ate a little bit more around you, too.
Hughette, thank you for the incredible gift of fried rice. We would have never thought to feed her this. We had Lucy for nearly an entire year later, happy and healthy and you were a huge part of that!
Lucy, I know that you weren’t ready to go last fall but maybe you knew you had less than a year with us. You gave us so much joy and stability with your health, literally almost to the end. I hope you’re munching on your favorites things—goldfish crackers, boiled carrots, and the beloved fried rice. Eat anything you want now. Even the foods that we kept away from you. You won’t shit your pants now. I love you.
David, I’m so proud of us. This was one of the hardest times next to living without her. You have been the best partner to shoulder this with and going through this with you makes me love you even more. <3